The Banana's Split

So, after killing a bunch of minotaurs, there were even more minotaurs to kill. They weren’t that hard, but they sure did take a long time to dispose of. The party entered a dilemma, should we stay or should we go.

Despite the gods informing us that the splitting of the group would lead to exhaustive efforts on his… er… their part, the party split after it was determined that there would likely be no dramatic retaliation on the part of more minotaurs (the area was largely void of minotauren existence).

Adam took a huge group of slaves and headed to the nearest tower city, while Skoll and Paul went back in with an enslaved minion to look for loot, food, slaves, and anything else that might help the journey.

The minion took them to a vault full of mad lewtz, dawg, where Skoll gradually decayed the door to get at the goodies. A few minotaur started attacking from the back, and skoll flew over there and destroyed them. Paul got inside and found a hidden door with a chest inside.

Sarver and the disco-bot’s behavior is unknowable.

Episode 42: Suck It, Logic!

Having escaped the minotauren doom crypt with their various loot gripping appendages in tact, the party continued their slog north through the jungle in their effort to reach the nearest tower city. Between them and the city lays a mountain that they were told is filled with a dense network of labyrinths which are populated by a great many minotauren and their human slaves, as well as various death traps. Given the importance of their mission it would seem that the pragmatic thing to do would be to move OVER the mountain, but you know…. fuck that. There are faceless human women in them thar hills that Skoll hasn’t impressed yet. Saving them will be easy, but keeping control of his bowels afterwards apparently is not.

Skoll eventually managed to take mental control of one of the minotauren inhabitants of the mountain keep and he was nice enough to escort us along a relatively safe route through the labyrinth. The party added to its ever growing host of liberated female slaves, Skoll hastily and urgently made victory poopy, and eventually the party found themselves in a large bazaar area and a better than average view of the door leading back out into the jungles.

The party narrowly vanquished it’s way through the throngs of bipedal cow meat with appendages more or less in tact. During the vanquishing however something spooked oRca and she for some reason ran out the doors in her panic, alerting whatever guards are out in the rather military looking courtyard beyond. So a second, probably more brutal fight lays beyond the doors, and most of the party members are in pretty rough shape.

0rca's Evolution: In pictures

0rca went from sexy:

To sexy badass:

To just plain badass:

Paul's Day.

After a long day of grave robbing the troops decided to settle down for a peaceful nights rest. As Paul was climbing into his tent he noticed a shooting star. As the star got closer he realized it was a fireball, the fireball crashed into a building down in the valley. With a loud war cry Paul rallied the troops and went storming down the mountain.

At the base of the mountain was an old cathedral, inside there was large hole going several stories down. Orca shot her grappling hook and lowered us all down upon her back. At the bottom Skoll was disappointed because it was only a nude man and not a woman. Upon questioning, the man had little answers. We decided to help him figure out who he was so we went on a mission to find his sword.

We found his sword in a cave not far from there, how it got there is beyond us. When we exited the cave there was a frantic woman standing there. She needed help at her city, it was being overrun by bees. The party didn’t really seem interested in helping her but Skoll insisted we go. Upon arrival at the desert city we found out that it was being besieged by the king with his army of bees. We walked through the sewers, as we have done before, and entered the castle. Slaying the king we brought order to the city in this time of chaos.

Being so far from our prior plans, like we usually are, we decided to visit the wonderful crater lands. These lands were home to many humans and they had a very large keep next to a mountain they called home. Adam Clay was so excited to get to this keep that he left the rest of us behind and headed on without us. Being left behind Skoll felt disappointed and decided to revisit the desert city and see if he could help them all without ever getting hurt again. When Orca and Paul finally arrived at the keep, Adam Clay had vanquashed all the foes and was complaining about how slow we were.

While we were just settling down to enjoy the now peaceful keep the man from earlier told us the moon was under attack. We flew to the moon and found the woman from the desert city was actually an evil druid that had just used the bees as a ruise. While we were fighting the bees, she transformed into a large red monster and started wiping out all of our friends on the moon.

Skip to several week later and Skoll rejoined the party. He claimed to have a magic potion that made ones urine taste like candy. If one drank their urine it would give them great powers beyond imagine. With that knowledge Adam grabbed the potion from Skoll and…

Episode 41: The Minotauren Massive Money Making Museum of Mystery and Munchible Margaritas from Manhattan, Montana!!!

Now that 0rca had recovered from her headache – it must be her robotic time of the month – she immediately came up with a plan: Do what Skoll, the magnificent, suggested and mind control a book smart Minotaur. And so the two of them ventured off to a nearby Minotauren village.

The duo’s first victim was but a humble lumber jack. Poor, poor lumberjack. Unbeknownst to 0rca and Skoll, he had a new grandchild and was just two days from retirement. He had just bought a boat named “live4ever”, and was planning a venture through the Atlantic Ocean to find a direct trade route with California. He was lured away from his noble work and summoned to his temporary cerebral master, the undeniably charming Skoll. Unfortunately for the lumberjack, he knew nothing of the nearby tomb or the puzzles within. He had one useful piece of advice, which was to seek out a village elder. The lumberjack pointed out the elder tent, and was promptly given a present, i.e., murdered in cold blood. Although the issue of killing things fails to haunt the lesser members of the party, the ever empathetic Skoll had to remind himself that these minotaur enjoy raping women and having slaves.

The potentially enlightening elder minotaur appeared from his tent within the hour. Skoll dominated him as he mingled with his friends with such critical success that resistance was futile. Skoll, the handsome, instructed the elder to act suspiciously out of character to his colleague by demanding his (human) woman. A risky, yet heroic, move, that makes my robot parts lubricate. The move ultimately failed, but did not complicate our plans as the elder managed to walk out of town unseen.

The elder knew of the 4 minotaur we described, but not of the burial chamber. We returned to the tomb and the elder helped us correctly place the totems. It was easy when we knew the ancient minotaur’s names as they were written at their pedestals. It takes a minotaur to read a minotaur.

Solving the puzzle split the floor in half to reveal a descending staircase. 0rca, the impulsive, gleefully charged in, perhaps still a bit euphoric after the triple dose of morphine she just took to cure her headache. The basement featured a long hallway, a modest gate, and an enormous amount of treasure at the end. The party opened the gate and 0rca rushed in without caution.

Perhaps a non-zero degree of caution could’ve saved 0rca from falling through the floor into a pit 100 yards deep. But, considering her pitifully low willpower, probably not. Her fall was cushioned by the massive spider webs at the bottom of the pit. Just as the spiders shined their beady red eyes, 0rca grappled back out of the pit with a little help from her friends (and their oh-so-useful force walls and bee suits).

0rca was undeterred as she practically dove into the shimmering heap before her, perhaps under the impression that whoever got there first got dibs. The treasure did not react at all to her considerable mass. In fact, she passed right through it and crashed into the ground, like a fat kid through a vat Hershey’s syrup. She double-checked the authenticity of the treasure, and confirmed that it was real. Quovan, the keen, confirmed otherwise when he dispelled the illusion, revealing a plain room with a stone door, and the false floor 0rca had previously fallen through.

At this point, the rest of the party convinced 0rca to explore the rest of the tomb with some caution, but it proved to be unnecessary. They opened the door and proceeded into the actual burial chamber. The lack of playing cards aside, there was quite a bit of worthy treasure. Weapons, armors, trinkets, precious metals… and four unnaturally cold urns. The bulk of the treasure was hulled out of the tomb and identified before the party risked fucking with the urns.

Thankfully, the divining Skoll had saved quite a few females to help us with the task of hauling our treasure. Good looks, heroism, and fore-sight to boot. Kudos, Skoll. Kudos.

Even 0rca was apathetic about the urns, giving some indication of how dangerous they could be. The worst scenario? Ghosts. Angry ghosts. But they turned out to be just the opposite! Well no, not happy ghosts. I guess that would be the opposite. But inside the urns were good things, tantalizing potions that do everything from produce huge volumes of water to raising zombie servants. Even their refrigerant, magic frost sand, could be extremely valuable.

Also inside the urns were the preserved body parts of the minotauren heros that rest in the looted tomb. Their use, if any, is unknown. Adam wanted nothing to do with the potentially cursed organs. Skoll decided to take them anyway. He’s always wearing other creatures’ body parts, after all. Thankfully he chose to wear the carcass of a bee so that he could use it to save Orca. She is so helplessly pathetic without that dashing young lad around. Too bad he has already fallen for Sannah, otherwise Orca would likely be all up around him like the female socket for a screw gets around the male screw. She is a robot, after all, that’s why her similies are robot related.

What a successful evening! So much valuable loot is surely a sign that things are starting to go our way, and in no way suggests that we’ll need this booty to save our asses in the near future.

By the way, Skoll wanted me to tell you he looks like this now:

For the future, and for those who didn’t write it down, here is a list of the loot along with who claimed dibs:

Treasures chests of gold and silver and other metals: 35 lbs gold, 6 lbs silver, 11 iron, 2 platinum

one vial: Elemental prison, a mist elemental exists inside.

Small box: 8 feathers, orange violet red, not in direct sunlight glow like embers: phoenix feathers. Used to summon phoenixes, chuck a phoenix into a fire or hotness, friendly to creator. Feed them fire or burning stuff, or the embers of fire. They’ll eventually feed themselves. Worth a shit lot of money.

bbt: Varsek’s scourge, hits +2, +2 damage, hit them when they’re below 50% hp damage=> willpower save or wielder owns them through fear. Lasts the encounter.

SARVER: Gerris’s Fetish (long rod, not thick like a handle, small chain at end which goes down to metal crafted bones which are arranged to make a rectangle silver bones, hanging in middle is a coin with sun and moon on sides. Hanging from BOTTOM of rectangle are beads and orientation): Armor mod, dangly part, if exposed, once per day, killed thing is zombified and serves you for the rest of the day.

DANGLEY: Maergen’s Totem (3 feet long handle, stack of 9 minotaur heads, at bottom of top – long horn steer): User gains: CRs elemental spell use increased by 3; +2 defense

BBT: lorec stilletto (short handle, – big in our hands – mouse skull with spear head / stilletto sticking out) – spear head? dagger, targets don’t feel wound, diseased and can spread it. 1dmg/ round

Weapon Rack:
EVELYN: a pull hammer with spear head from top (fancy): crit with blunt→ knocks over melee enemies. Used as spear→ impales kill;

SARVER: kopesh: 2h sword in 1h, broad blade, curved sharply, Crit: conjure blades that attack melee next round;

COM: 2h Mace: crit: target catches on fire;

BBT: whip: crit: snakes fly out, venomous, and angry

Four Urns:
Blue sand/salt: inside the cold sand are four vials and a metal box
sand: frost sand/salt; keeps things cold
4x vials: throwing potion; target gets hit with spooge, target zombifies and stick until it dies.
4x vials: Gas emit throw potion, terrify targets 2d4 run away
1x vials are throw potions that set things on fire 3 yard radius 2d6 damage
1x Vial: water potion: pour into something and it grows a gallon of water x12
1x vial: pour over earth/metal/etc: makes it more valuable. 1x use
1x : throw liquid touches air and causes wind storm like tornado: victims 3d4; lasts 10; thrower rolls to determine travel
4x throw pots, they hit and cause a cloud of disease on 1dmg/round until victim dies or is healed.
metal box: garris’s brain.
Metal box: Varsiks’ good eye
Metal Box: Maergen’s hoof
Lorric’s Tongue

E 40: Aimless

I had a headache for the first few hours after leaving the minotaur city, but when I came to the bozos had gotten us surrounded by a minotauren hunting pack. Adam rushed into battle and killed the two cows to the south. I figured I might as well see what the oxen to the North were doing. They had apparently gone to the south to see what had happened to cows Adam killed.

Anyway, we killed them all. I had to fly over the crowd and kill two that were trying to run away. No biggie. We got some nets and camouflage out of the ordeal, so it was a net benefit.

We decided to trudge Northward towards our goal, and on the way destroy a slave trading post. However, we came across a minotaur city where the humans were apparently second generation, and only knew how to be slaves. I suppose the minotaurs must either kill the human parents, or just keep them far enough away that the children know nothing but bondage and loyalty to the oxen. Sucks for them – the only one in this party who seems to give a shit about saving people is me, and I wasn’t about to lead us into a city where the humans wouldn’t welcome us. I’ll save my ‘heroic capital’ for a safer bet.

We eventually came to a building of some sort with moons and suns carved in the ground. It also had a few rooms filled with 40 or so Sarcophagi… at least, I guess that’s what they’re called, fuck if I’ve ever seen one before.

We almost got killed when we opened them up. Poison shot out when a rope that was connected to the inside of one of those sarco-things moved weirdly. We luckily ran out in time and didn’t get too dead.

After we learned the basics, we were able to open them all up. 4 totem-like objects appeared, and know we have to figure out where to put them to properly open up whatever it is that they might open up.

I’m thinking of just enslaving a mage-minotaur and demanding that they tell me.

Episode 39: The Mighty Minotaur

0rca had just about exhausted herself pretending to be a minotaur guard with her pal Bernie by the time evening rolled around. Their ruse had played out well, and as night fell, the group made their escape from the city. Adam flew into the dark sky to view the city, and discovered that it was divided into several massive terraces. We would have to descend six of them to reach the wilds below.

The night concealed us well as we passed through much of the city undetected. The occasional guard was avoided or tricked by Skoll into ignoring us. But for all of Skoll’s contribution’s to the escape, his obsession with saving the human women put the party in as much danger. 0rca remembered when humans were worth saving once. She would’ve helped Skoll in a different time. Her apathy was overshadowed by Adam’s impatience, however, and the two considered abandoning Skoll to his heroics. Had Skoll moved at any slower a pace, they certainly would have. But who could blame Skoll? Humanity’s greatest works of literature concern men who save women. Sometimes those aspirations can cloud a man’s practical judgement.

The party made their way through Minotauren suburbs before arriving at the main gate of the city. An impressive battalion was on guard detail, including several sorcerers and a massive Centaur. The party snuck into position undetected before starting the skirmish on their own terms. Adam surprised a few sorcerers with not-so-surprisingly deadly force, while 0rca used her pyrotechnics to devastating effect. Skoll dutifully guarded the alarm bells atop the main gate, and Paul dealt his own brand of carnage on the front lines. It was an arduous fight with a few close calls, but the battle went in the party’s favor once again.

Episode 38: Insert Pun Here

So we basically just went through the rest of the symbols on the pyramid thing. Nothing too exciting. I think oRca wrote everything down, and I’m sure I have the info as well.

We ended up jumping into the Minotaur pyramid. They were totally waiting for us, though, and we had to kill a bunch of them. Apparently minotaurs learned how to cast magic in between raping women. They were fun to kill. Big guys showed up, and they apparently scare people by stomping hoofs. We all ran around like idiots until we finally decided we should kill them.

They died, and we sat around waiting for night time a-la weekend at bernie’s. We had to kill a few more during the day. Meh.

We’re probably just going to force one to act like he’s escorting us down to a safe place and go from there.

Episode 37: Wait, which one was the purple turtle?

All the information we gathered from the compound was lost after the Dragon decided to destroy a few of our helpers. And, apparently, instead of going back in to find more information, we chose to just leave and give up on everything. Behold, the party of apathy.

0rca says: The information gathered from VasGen headquarters was not lost when the dragon attacked a completely separate facility where our druid friends were lodged. What was lost is a list of coordinates detailing the landing sites of additional “moon pods” like the ones we returned to Earth in. One of the missing druids had it. We still have exactly what we wanted from VasGen headquarters, which is why we are not returning.

We headed to Donello’s pyramid. He was quite hospitable, although cautious. After some conversation he let us use his teleporting pyramid. We had to go through each mark individually, to find out where the exits were. We found a few underwater locations, and a few that weren’t open. One was overrun by Nod.

0rca says: I don’t recall any pyramid that was overrun by Nod. The ones I recall were as follows:
1. Abandoned or undiscovered
2. Submerged in water
3. Unworking, suspected to be Giza (the one we broke)
4. Controlled by dogs of Lycos, in North America_
5. Controlled by Minotaur, part of their capital city where the Minotauren king resides
6. Our good friends in China

One had a wolf-man who apparently was known the druids as Lycos. He apparently wanted us to come through and make us slaves. Instead we bid him adieu until we found a location in Azteca run by Minotaurs. We chose to enter this one.

The wolf moved silently into a distant harem
to kill his sheep: two fast asleep minotauren,

It focused on one, and bent its will,
All the while it made sure that the women were still,

“Pick up the ax and put it in your friend,
see how far his spine will bend.”

Blood spewed out and splashed on the wall,
the poor ox can’t help but heed my call.

His friend’s death surely made him wonder,
Just how will HIS own life be torn asunder?

Force the ox to walk back where the pack lay in wait,
Donnie’s room was in dire need of a fresh coat of paint.

We saved the women, gave them clothes, and sent them through the portal to Asia, where they could start anew. My recommendation is that we overtake the Minotauren City and make it our own. I’ve always wanted a good place to raise my family.

Episode 36: The case of the fleshy basement

0rca said hello to the mysteriously alive people stationed at the conduit. Despite being alive, they were no more responsive than their corpsified co-workers. With no one giving up any answers, the only place left to explore was the basement. The fleshy, moist basement. 0rca navigated the putrid corridors to find a massive vault door, a massive automated door with an equally high lock pick level, and a strange hole with light emanating from the distant opening on the other side. The rest of the party was called in to investigate.

The hole was more of a portal. It was a long, but not long enough trek before reaching the end-It opened up to a mountaintop vista of a familiar land: Romania. Complete with black dragons and everything. Warp whistles are cool and all, but the party wasn’t ready to skip to the last level yet, so they quickly returned.

Massive vault door was the number two priority. Searching for clues as to the origin of the black order, the party attempted to pull the vault door off its hinges. A vein of the creature who had consumed the hallways was stuck through the door, however, and the door refused to fall open. Paul sent his pixie pal through the crack to explore the vast treasures waiting inside. 0rca decided she could help by climbing the door and “fishing” for wares with her grappling hook. Still not accustomed to her new frame, her additional weight strained the ensnared vein and it snapped. The door fell to the ground, and a deep roar echoed throughout the chamber. The vein receded into the wall while the party continued to plunder with a surprisingly nonchalant attitude.

0rca was more perturbed by the awakened living basement, and claimed she was concerned for Aviadorra 2’s safety as an excuse to bolt. 0rca, Avi 2, and Annabelle all made their way back to and up the elevator shaft without incident.

Though Adam’s processor is considerably less advanced than 0rca’s, it eventually arrived at the same conclusion: Hanging out in a pissed-off basement is a bad idea. He herded the rest of the party back toward the elevator, but curiously, the rooms were no longer made of flesh. There was almost no trace of the former monstrosity until a blurry mass shot out of one wall and into another as if the stone structure was permeable. The vast majority of the party picked up on the cue to GTFO. Paul, however, thought differently. Ever the maverick, Paul reasoned that any loot guarded by such a horrifying and life-threatening creature must be all the more valuable. Or something. He ran back toward the half-looted spoils.

Phasing Blob Monster didn’t like the cut of Paul’s jib. Phasing Blob Monster decided to attack Paul. Paul was, miraculously, completely surprised by this turn of events. Phasing blob Monster phased like it do, in and out of walls and ceilings. Paul continued forging his way down the path-less-traveled and decided to grapple one of Phasing Blob Monster’s tentacles. Paul, in turn, fell “in phase” with the beast and “out of phase” with the rest of the world. He wildly careened through solid earth as if it were water as Phasing Blob Monster pulled him along. Amazingly, he was able to let go at just the right moment, so as to fall back into phase while inside an empty room. He quickly joined the party on their escape up the elevator shaft.

Paul’s wild ride made for quite the story that night as the party camped a few miles down from the mountain peek facility. From their campsite, they got a better glimpse of Phasing Blob Monster as it burst out of the mountain itself. It was a massive fish! It “splashed” back into the earth and out of view. The party initially planned on returning the next morning, but the Phase Fish’s display dissuaded them.

The wholly intact party decided to reunite with the druids they left at Clayton’s VasGen facility to the west. While on their way, their best friend the evil black dragon made a visit. It claimed to know “what we were up to” which was probably true. Nod’s regard for us must be truly significant, as the black dragon showed restraint after snide comments from 0rca, and merely flew away.

The black dragon showed restraint toward us, anyway. When we arrived at the site of Clayton’s VasGen facility, the entire mountain top was gone. Like a crater. Given the dragon’s fondness of destroying mountains, it shouldn’t have come as much surprise. The party ventured in to investigate.

Amazingly, some of the druids were still alive, but just barely. They were being ravaged by raving rabbits. Massive white beasts with surprising agility were making quick work of the druids. Skoll and Paul seemed content to play armchair philosopher and debate the merits of saving our helpless and strategically significant comrades. Meanwhile, 0rca rushed into the fray. Adam also positioned himself in battle, and eventually the rest of the group joined in the slaughter.

Those bunnies were tough stuff, but the party prevailed. The druids were saved.


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