Exile

Episode 50: Back to the Future 4: The Seigening

Having just had the soulthieving lion blood drycleaned from their traveling cloaks, Adam and Evellyn reluctantly prepared themselves for the long slog back north. Without warning a flaming portal opened up in the fabric of reality and through it erupted a yellow delorean. Doctor/Driver Raj Brown climbed out of the drivers seat and exclaimed “Great Vishnu Adam! We must egress to the recent past to rescue your comrades! They are wandering about the black order stronghold and have once again forgotten their objective!”

Upon arriving in the wartorn city Adam reunited with the party and arrowstaffed them back to the governer’s mansion. Some viol wizards tried to interfere with their magics and did succeed in peeling Adam and Evellyn away from the party and into the air. As the rest of the party slowly meandered to the mansion, A&E performed a batman orbital drop onto the roof, killed their way in, and discovered that the entire top floor of the house is now being used as some kind of base of operations for at least 11(at a glance) viol.

Now, 4 poor viol are trapped in a room with A&E while the party site comfortably on the ground floor watching more enemy units pour into the mansion…

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Saving a Ton of Money on Golem Army Insurance

After a quick return trip to the main gecko base camp to alert the army to the totally awesome string of murders the party had committed, it was decided that the gecko army would ignite a flare in the sky to signal their attack, which would give the party the cover they needed to infiltrate the black order stronghold.

The party glided somehow onto the roof of a nearby tower and proceeded to kill and loot their way down into it(except for 0rca who instead decided to snipe enemies from the high ground). With an armload of shiny new gear and a fresh coat of viol blood, the party left the tower in search of the city governor.

The governor’s house wasn’t defended all too well. The unarmed corpses that now litter its halls are proof enough of this. There was however a coffin in a creepy basement filled with grisly appointments. The lid of the coffin slowly crept open to reveal the perfect receptacle for a grenade. Now the coffin is splinters and green mist. The party congratulated themselves on another boss completely and easily vanquished forever. Now its safe to assume that not only will they not have to fight whatever was in the coffin but the golem army is now probably defused as well.

… Except for one that’s totally pissed off.

Skoll, being the daring, dashing and deceptfully discerning lad that he is, had the genius idea to identify all of the items we were holding while those annoying British lizards who come on the tv during football games killed themselves fighting these Black Order guys.

However, when the deities of the world informed Skoll that his mental power can’t identify curses on items, he felt maligned. However, would that stop Skoll, the savior of slaves? NEVER! Not when freedom is at stake!

Skoll’s ingenious mind was able to discern the following facts about our fruitful bounty:

The staff we found that had been struck by lightning apparently is a +2 weapon that also grants a +1 to any creative rolls when using magic abilities;

The whip sword bestows a +2 to hit, a whopping range of 10 yards, and, if the user of the sword is good at rolling critically, it hits all the suckers next to him;

The bow that we found has the ultra ability of knocking over the target when it critically hits;

And the set of armor we discovered has a base of +8 AC, while at the same time granting a +2 bonus defending against magic. It also has 3 armor mod slots.

Skoll, the scourge of tyranny and savior of slaves, had his heart harken to the herald of a heroic heist. With the Rod of Minor Golem control, which is apparently the bitch of the major Golem Control Rod, we could control a golem or two to cut into – or at least around – the trapped treasure chest with the mighty horn of wishes inside. Then we could wish away our problems!

Skoll dashed to the nearest golem, said the password: “MINT BERRY CRUNCH!”, and found himself surrounded in the dominated rod’s sticky goo. The golem, who apparently felt threatened in his masculinity (or perhaps he himself had a problem with premature ejaculations), became angry and wished to destroy the One who would remind him of his minuscule member and early eruptions.

Skoll didn’t let a little thing like “being stuck to two walls” stand in his way – he broke free and ran for his f**king life. He got laser blasted while putting up a shield in between he and the golem. After numerous attempts to trip the condemned creation, the gods suddenly decided that we should take a one week break.

Spanky, meanwhile, is still wondering why he isn’t any more powerful than before he received a mastery point.

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The Two Towers

After surrounding the second tower with viol corpses, party set about solving the mystery of how to destroy it. It turns out this particular tower didnt have a magical entry cave. Instead all they really had to do was kill the remaining wizards left at the spire and destroy the crystal of evil floating atop it.

A large number of the wizard were overcome with grief at the atrocities they had committed and still intended to commit and threw themselves from the summit seemingly of their own accord. The remaining few were easy to mop up after they threw a few fireballs hither and tither.

Having taken the tower and destroyed the dark crystal, the party doubled back south to pick up their army of geicos. More dead viol wizards later they continued north to the Viol stronghold. The wizards summoned a storm on us, and we persevered over that shit.

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Tower Implosion

Adam flew around the weird cavern finding some shady trees, something obscure, and flying mountains. The mountains happened to have the lizard people that we were searching for climbing them. Adam tried to contact the lizard group telepathically but that didn’t amount to much as the leader thought the poor lizard was crazy and ordered him executed. Adam then talked our party into chasing down the lizard group. This turned out to be an easy endeavor as the lizard group was taking a nap.

The head lizard didn’t seem to know much except that time passed very slowly there yet his entire group seemed to be going crazy. He agreed we should group up to find a way out of there, but wanted to first investigate a large crystal.

The crystal was a large black ring ring Hello, Hi Mom. Mutes vent Can you ping www.google.com? Yes, ok, what is it doing again? Ok, click on the little circle in the bottom left, the window button. Now in the box at the bottom type Internet Explorer, what do you see? No, in the little box in the bottom right near the window button, type Internet Explorer. Hello? Yes, pick the one called Internet Explorer no addons. Does it work now? Ok, what addon did you install recently? None? Are you sure? Ok, well just try disabling them until it works. Hit alt and then tools menu and then manage addons. Disable anything that doesn’t say microsoft, adobe, or java. No that says Microsoft. Ok, just disable them all. Does it work now? Hello? Ok good, love you, night. unmutes vent.

The lizards are now making the tower rubble their new base camp. They will advance to the next tower in a few days probably. We to wait for them to advance so we could use them as a distraction as we made our way to the tower. This tower apparently doesn’t have a cave that we can tunnel into from below, so open plains is the path. As the large lizard group gets ambushed by the burrowing vehicles the party ran to a mountain. We try to use the cover of the mountain to get a little closer. However they seem to spot us easily, welcoming us by firing fireballs. We kill some of them and they kill a bunch of lizards.. more action to come.

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The Journey North

So, we left the Human/Elf issue to TG Randazzo and the cities involved. They should be able to take care of the issue. But to just leave it at that and omit the details of 0rca’s cunning diplomacy would be a crime.

Some background: The party is heading north to take care of some giant, humanoid lizards that are terrorizing the humans up there. The nearest tower city, which we now call home, had sent a Cerebelle brigade up North to take care of it, but the lizards had a trick on their sleeve—they wore live human flesh as armor, exploiting the Cerebelle’s hardwired non-violence toward humans. Nary a Cerebelle survived.

The party would suffer no such exploitation due to some foolishly idealistic reverence for human life. So we headed north. We stopped at a human village on our way, and they claimed they were having trouble with some elves nearby. The elves were harassing the humans by destroying parts of their city wall. It was nothing more than an annoying inconvenience, but the party saw an opportunity to gain the allegiance of the village, and any help against the inevitable fight against Nod would be good to have.

When the party approached the nearby elven village, the elves shed some light on the situation. Humans had been coming and kidnapping elves! This truth was verified, and the party tried to play detective for the better part of an session evening. The perpetrators could not be found, but it was established that the actions are not a concerted effort by the human village. We further discovered that the elf kidnappings happen on full moons, and were carried out by a band of humanoids led by a man in fancy armor.

Despite our findings, it seemed the only way to solve this mystery was to delay our critical mission another 10 days until the next full moon. Skoll insisted on resolving the case, but Adam felt that more pressing matters needed to be attended to up North. 0rca found a middleground. She suggested that T.G. Randizzy stay behind and resolve the matter himself. His trek down the jungled African continent and passage across the vast ocean provided some respectable adventuring credentials, and this task seemed fitting of his ability.

What’s more, 0rca convinced the human mayor to assist T.G. with 6 guardsmen on the night of the next full moon in an attempt to capture the kidnapping culprits. Not only did 0rca resolve the differences between Skoll and Adam (and their meta-game intentions), but she also set up a very real opportunity for a new human and elven alliance that would offer mutual prosperity. What better an ending to this encounter?

Apparently the with the fancy armor got his armor from a local armorsmith. Armor. He claims his armor can reflect bullets, and I found out that he was telling the truth.

Just a reminder about the pixie shaman who can break our curses with diamond dust.

We went north. And north and north and north. North some more, north north north. North. Peter north north north.

We came across a village that was under attack by some CRAB people. Kicked their asses, and then the party was afraid of a big fish in the sea. The human/elf city up to the North North is a poor subsistence encampment that doesn’t have diamonds. However, they do have a guy who makes gnarly peacock feather armor mods.

Skoll rejoiced the peasants with some Phantastic Story telling.

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45 continued

Secret things happened with Skoll. They shall remain secret.

Did you guys take the slaves? I thought most of them didn’t want to go the way you guys were going…

PS- Spending money doesn’t help “the economy”

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Episode 45: Paul's fortune

Well now we’re getting somewhere. Or rather, we’ve just arrived somewhere — The mighty Socialist Republic of Comradstan, a tower city overlooking the bountiful coca fields of northern South America.

When I woke up this morning, inexplicably covered in my own fluidic discharge, Skoll had left me behind to take care of Paul the tag-along. Sannah and Scooby insisted on waiting in shantyville, presumably because when a magical deck of cards steals your best friend, the best course of action is inaction. They must have had faith that Skoll could find the way back, even in his delirious state of mind. If he’s still alive. I don’t know what the implications of disappearing are, so I wasn’t about to stick around waiting for a sign.

If I knew Skoll, and I did, he would’ve wanted us to take the remaining slaves and continue to the safety of our tower city destination. And he also would have encouraged the reckless purchase of unregulated narcotics in the name of supporting a free market. While Sannah stayed behind with the monstrous talking dog, Paul and I took the slaves and continued on. During the journey, our paths crossed with some traveling medicine men who were willing to part with their mind-expanding concoctions in exchange for gold. My impromptu experiment studying the effects of various drugs and their treatment of PTSD in former rape victims was an utter success. Who says you have to be connected to a tower network to show humans a good time?

The ever-sheepish Paul followed me and the rest of the slaves to Comradstan, but on our arrival, the strangest thing happened. Paul, the silent, the wallflower, the forgettable… He was recognized by the city guard. And not just recognized. He was revered! He shared my astonishment in learning that he had his own personal mansion within the city. That’s some pretty impressive stuff in a place like Comradstan, where equal distribution of wealth is the righteous norm.

While Paul the Revered was able to skip right into the city, I had to face the quarantine guards. They asked me why I wasn’t part of their club anymore. Buncha’ phonies if you ask me. Paul was gracious enough to wait until they were done interrogating me, and we visited his manor together where we met up with Adam.

To mourn Skoll’s disappearance, we all decided to crack open a phoenix in his honor. I’m not gonna lie, they were pretty bitchin’ and were more than enough to make us forget about what’s his name the magnificent. Afterward, Paul was our ambassador to the Demi-sire in discussions that we hope will result in the creation of Adam’s cloning facility. It is our feeble attempt to fight the threat of Nod, although I must admit I have as much faith in that succeeding as I do in Skoll returning with a pristine state of mind.

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Skoll's Mental Journal

I awoke naked in a cage in front of the Templar Shaman. All but a single shining speck of sand remained in my possession. How did the Shaman miss it? He took the liberty of applying a crown of thorns upon my head, why bother ignoring a sparkling grain of sand?

I remember securing the safety of countless slaves, and some strange deck of cards.

Ah yes, the deck. The deck is the reason why I’m here.

Was it oRCA’s doing? Did she trick me into using the deck? She’s constantly degrading me.

Either way, it matters not. Now it’s time to escape. Unfortunately for the minotauren, the Goddess of Nod has blessed me with all the power I’ll need to escape. Then, I can free myself and return to Spanky and Sannah. They surely are waiting for me.

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Episode 44: Many (bad) Things

Well, that is a curious artifact. Curious indeed. Though my companions might call it something more vulgar. At first, I was skeptical of Skoll the Fantastic’s assessment. But the promise of great reward at even greater risk? That’s a far too vague and alluring description to responsibly discard the Deck of Many Things. Without hesitation, I reached over Paul’s shoulder and plucked a few of the intricate playing cards from the top of the deck, and although nothing happened, my fate would turn out to be one of the better outcomes of the evening. It was obvious to me that this was no ordinary magical deck of cards. It was just an ordinary deck of cards. Had anyone been interested in playing a little Vignaton Hold’em, I might’ve stuck around, but no takers. I headed to bed disappointed, bored, and with a minor feeling of unease.

Poor Skoll. Poor, poor Skoll. And I mean that literally. With the first card he pulled, all of his belongings exhibited an unworldly orange candescence. His pack, his armor, gold, and even his ancestral hoop nipple rings shined bright and warm. But the light didn’t last, and his possessions grew dim to reveal that they were all now charred and black. They maintained their physical form just long enough for Skoll to realize the severity of his fate. All of his wordly possessions crumbled to ash in front of his eyes. The soot at his feet was all that remained.

With seemingly nothing left to lose, Skoll drew a torrent of more cards. Perhaps he was under the mistaken impression that liberating one hundred fifty people gave him some kind of karmic advantage. No so! Though few details of Skoll’s misfortune are readily apparent to the rest of us, he didn’t seem to be thinking clearly midway through his spree. After his initial run, Skoll was dazed and confused, and dirt poor. More on Skoll in a moment.

Paul’s luck was arguably worse, the damn fool. He should’ve stopped when he was ahead, and devilishly handsome. I don’t know what all happened, but when I got out of bed to take a robot leak, I peaked my head back in the tent and saw him, staring… staring at the black cards in his hands, yet his eyes were fixed a thousand yards away. That deck must’ve had some juice in it after all.

Well my interest was piqued. Why should Paul and Skoll suffer all the torment? I just had to join in on the fun. And boy, what fun it was! I didn’t get my soul stolen or anything! I retreated back to bed with new a box full of gems in tow.

Word on the street is that after I returned to bed, Paul pulled a very bad card. A very, very bad card. Skoll apparently followed suit (well not literally) and promptly disappeared with the deck in his hands.

Or so I’ll find out in the morning.
Zzzzzzzz…

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EPisode 43, I think

The party split up, and there is no idea of what Sarver’s group did.

However, the heroes managed to trek through the maze and find more food and items. We also killed more tyrannical minotaurs. Issues took place via annoying shaman-templar minotaurs who activated anti-Skoll defenses.

We managed to get out of there with no immediate consequences when Orca used her gloves to dig out.

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