Exile

Saving a Ton of Money on Golem Army Insurance

After a quick return trip to the main gecko base camp to alert the army to the totally awesome string of murders the party had committed, it was decided that the gecko army would ignite a flare in the sky to signal their attack, which would give the party the cover they needed to infiltrate the black order stronghold.

The party glided somehow onto the roof of a nearby tower and proceeded to kill and loot their way down into it(except for 0rca who instead decided to snipe enemies from the high ground). With an armload of shiny new gear and a fresh coat of viol blood, the party left the tower in search of the city governor.

The governor’s house wasn’t defended all too well. The unarmed corpses that now litter its halls are proof enough of this. There was however a coffin in a creepy basement filled with grisly appointments. The lid of the coffin slowly crept open to reveal the perfect receptacle for a grenade. Now the coffin is splinters and green mist. The party congratulated themselves on another boss completely and easily vanquished forever. Now its safe to assume that not only will they not have to fight whatever was in the coffin but the golem army is now probably defused as well.

… Except for one that’s totally pissed off.

Skoll, being the daring, dashing and deceptfully discerning lad that he is, had the genius idea to identify all of the items we were holding while those annoying British lizards who come on the tv during football games killed themselves fighting these Black Order guys.

However, when the deities of the world informed Skoll that his mental power can’t identify curses on items, he felt maligned. However, would that stop Skoll, the savior of slaves? NEVER! Not when freedom is at stake!

Skoll’s ingenious mind was able to discern the following facts about our fruitful bounty:

The staff we found that had been struck by lightning apparently is a +2 weapon that also grants a +1 to any creative rolls when using magic abilities;

The whip sword bestows a +2 to hit, a whopping range of 10 yards, and, if the user of the sword is good at rolling critically, it hits all the suckers next to him;

The bow that we found has the ultra ability of knocking over the target when it critically hits;

And the set of armor we discovered has a base of +8 AC, while at the same time granting a +2 bonus defending against magic. It also has 3 armor mod slots.

Skoll, the scourge of tyranny and savior of slaves, had his heart harken to the herald of a heroic heist. With the Rod of Minor Golem control, which is apparently the bitch of the major Golem Control Rod, we could control a golem or two to cut into – or at least around – the trapped treasure chest with the mighty horn of wishes inside. Then we could wish away our problems!

Skoll dashed to the nearest golem, said the password: “MINT BERRY CRUNCH!”, and found himself surrounded in the dominated rod’s sticky goo. The golem, who apparently felt threatened in his masculinity (or perhaps he himself had a problem with premature ejaculations), became angry and wished to destroy the One who would remind him of his minuscule member and early eruptions.

Skoll didn’t let a little thing like “being stuck to two walls” stand in his way – he broke free and ran for his f**king life. He got laser blasted while putting up a shield in between he and the golem. After numerous attempts to trip the condemned creation, the gods suddenly decided that we should take a one week break.

Spanky, meanwhile, is still wondering why he isn’t any more powerful than before he received a mastery point.

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EvanGRogers

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